My old pal Rejection has been wreaking havoc lately.

For the last few weeks, I've felt the pain of rejection in a form I've not experienced in a long while and I think it hurts worse than any direct-to-Jen slight I've ever felt.

My son Jude is on his high school soccer team, but has not played a single minute of a game in over 3 weeks. Not. One. Minute.

His dad and I attend each match faithfully, in part because we love soccer, but more so because we hope to see our child on the field, contributing to the game. Instead, we've stared at the back of his jersey on the bench, his number 14 hugging his hunched spine, feeling his defeated energy as the minutes tick down and his muscles grow cold from inactivity.

I know simply making the varsity team is an accomplishment and not a guarantee that you will get playing time. But I can't help feeling that my kid is being rejected every time he sits on the sidelines.

This knife-to-the-gut sear hurts even more knowing that he has not missed a single practice since summer training began, that he shows up 15 minutes early for every workout, that he works hard when he's on the pitch. He does all the things the coaches expect (and communicate) and then watches the kids who don't share his level of commitment play entire games.

It really sucks. And it hurts something awful. It hurts him and it hurts me.

It took me a few weeks to sort out why I am in such agony about my kid not being on the field. Then, it hit me last week: Jude is my child, forever a part of me, a being who grew inside my womb for nine months. The energetic umbilical cord between this mama and that child is strong. What impacts him impacts me on a very visceral level.

Him being rejected = me being rejected.

Simply put, I want my kid to be seen and valued for his brilliance and right now, that's not happening with his high school team.

Given that my son has to choose to inquire with his coach about possible playing time and I need to sever my desire to "make things right", the best course of action is for me to take care of myself.

How am I processing the pain of rejection right now? With mixed results. It's not pretty and it's not easy, but I'm making a good faith effort.

• Feel. I am feeling my feelings. I am letting myself seethe. I am wallowing in sadness. I am crying a lot. I am punching pillows and throwing sticks and stones on walks. I am feeling the full spectrum of emotions.

• Notice and Inquire. Where have I been rejecting myself? Is me not receiving myself fully playing a role in the depth of my current feelings of rejection?

• Immerse. I am reminding myself of spaces and places where Jude AND I are seen. His club soccer coach knows and respects his play and commends and guides him to improve. He has a few buddies at school that like him and I have my tribe to lend me support. The more we bolster ourselves with the bonds of connection and hang out in those spaces where we are fully received, the more resilience we build, the more our broken hearts heal.

• Seek the Lesson. I am looking for the opportunities within rejection. All negative life experiences and feelings are openings for more personal growth. Over the last few days, I've felt deeply my tendency toward toxic independence and realized that I need to ask Spirit to take hold of my pain because I cannot contain it all any longer. Where else have I been rejecting support and help?

• Embrace a Glimmer of Joy. When I feel myself sinking into a pit of rejection despair, I call up a happy memory. I think about times I've watched Jude play soccer with such intuitive knowing, intelligence, and enthusiasm. There are so many moments he's placed the most perfect pass or launched a corner kick to a teammate's head or foot for a goal! I play with my fur ball Boo. I give life a little more cowbell!

We all know that rejection is a part of being human. From playground taunts to unrequited love to job loss to all the ways we are left out and left behind, learning to live with rejection is tough business.

How do you reject yourself?

How do you manage rejection?

What secrets can you share with me?

I'd love to hear from YOU!

Mending my cracked heart with crooked stitches,

Jennifer (she/her)

*YOGA....YOGA....YOGA....YOGA.....YOGA*

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